The war

It engulfs you, your whole self. From top to toe. You cant see nor can you breathe. The air is thick and dark. When you move its hard, your brain is playing over and over again things that would have not meant the world a day or two ago. The future is something that scares you. The past haunts you.

What can you do? Who can you turn to when no one has defended you, loved you or was there for you? Who will be there to hold your hand to walk this path that you did not choose? How do one fight this demon who has you immobilised? 

This dark demon makes you want to seek solace in your room. Sleep the one place where it has no control over and yet it has ways to stop you getting there. The noise in your head like a broken record. It does not stop even for a second.

You try to breathe but the air is thick and heavy. You have no where to run to even if you wanted you cant as you are paralysed. Stuck to where you are standing. The darkness hold you tight in its arms. Not wanting to let you go, an obsessed lover of sort. 

There is nothing much you can do but to seek solace in the space that give you comfort. There is no going out or snapping out of it. Its grip on you is strong where no magic in this world could rid of this curse. 

Inside of you is a voice trapped as you see what you have become. A surreal being living like a zombie. It shouts to break free but it cant. Its trapped. You know this is not you and yet you are helpless as the grip tightens when you fight to break free. You are no longer you. 

Does the world see you? Maybe yes maybe no. Can it help you? To some extent yes. For those who has people who cares and sees the state you are in its just as hopeless for them for nothing said or done will rid you of the darkness that has surrounded you. They too end up in a state of despair. Not able or knowing what to do.

In your room or the little corner that you have chosen comfort. You lay there, wishing and praying for relief. Death comes to mind but the trapped voice screams no. There is hope! Or is it? There is a way out but where is it? There is no neon light pointing to the exit in case of an emergency.

So there you lie, fighting this demon. Some days you win a step while other days you loose the battle. Its the war that has to be won and strength within is something that has to be mustered. Do you have it in you? 

This battle is a battle that many fight and yet no one really knows what its like unless they have fought it themselves.

Satay ala The new Mrs Lee cookbook.

 

It all starts with a paste (rempah). This is where you make the meat taste yummy. I added extra coriander powder as it was missing that extra taste. Always taste and add what is missing when cooking, I also used palm sugar instead of normal sugar in the satay sauce. Since I used the newly developed tamarind which is a paste I use only 2 tablespoon.

Ingredients:

600g meat I use here beef and chicken and from the paste I got, I could have marinated about 200 grm more meat easily.

 

Rempah:

1 stalk lemongrass
10 shallots ( I use 1 large onion instead)
1 tsp cumin powder
2 tsp coriander powder
1 tsp turmeric
1/4 tsp cinnamon powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp sugar
2 tbsp peanuts, roasted and ground
1 tbsp oil

40 satay sticks

Preperation

1) Cut the meat into small cubes and tenderize by pounding lightly
2) prepare the rempah. Peel then roughly chop the lemon grass (use the white portion only) and shallots. Finely pound/blend all the rempah ingredients together.

Method

1) mix the meat and rempah in a large bowl. Marinate for at least 30 min
2) Thread the meat using the satay sticks
3) grill the satay or in the top shelf of the oven at 240C for 5-7 min. Baste with oil on each side

Satay sauce

Ingredients

2 stalks lemon grass
180 ml oil
4 rounded tbsp tamarind pulp (or 2tbsp tamarind paste)
4 tbsp sugar or to taste
1 tbsp salt
600 gr peanuts, roasted and ground

Rempah:

12 slices galangal
12 shallots
6 gloves garlic
20-30 dried chillie
1 tbsp prawn(shrimp) paste (belacan)

Preperation

1) soak the dried chillie in hot water
2) peel outer layer of lemon grass (use white portion only)
3) prepare tamarind marinade with 280ml water
4) prepare the rempah, deseed then roughly chop the soaked chillies. Peel then roughly chop the galangal and garlic. Finely pound/blend together with the prawn paste

Method

1) Heat a wok over a high flame until it smokes. Add the oil, stir fry the rempah and lemon grass until fragant
2) Add the tamarind marinade then bring to the boil. Boil for 2 min before adding the sugar, salt, gorund peanuts and 850ml water. Simmer until the sauce thickens.

Satay is eaten traditionally with rice cakes, onions and cucumber. The rice cakes can be substituted with jasmine rice.

    

Somebody

There was a time for a very long time I prayed to be loved. The kind of love that makes you sleep at night knowing that you are safe. When you hope and prayed for years.Everyone wants to be loved for who they are and not what they can be for others. I stopped watching romantic movies as for my mind its a fantasy world. The irony that I prefer fantasy movies as it is not real. 

Love is hard work. Love is wanting the best for your significant other. Love is not expecting anything back and knowing they are happy and safe. Love also means you are human and thus you argue and fight over things of insignificance.I have found my love, found my soulmate, my somebody and I thank god everyday for him.

The virgin

My hair is a virgin. I have never permed nor have I coloured it. Sure I loved to try different hair colour but never cared to pay for it. That and I never had a proper hairdresser in Norway. Until I found Jose. I will definately consult him when and if I decide to unvirgin my hair.

So lately I have come to see that the old hen i.e me is starting to sprout lots of white hair. I have just pulled them out but the amount now means I may be bald if I pull it all out.

The dilemma? Do I colour it? If yes what colour as I love my black hair. Do I really want to go there? I am too sloppy but still vain. See the endless questions that needs an answer.

How do other female cope?!?! I guess I am just too laid back for such things. I am   just way too casual though I can clean myself up nicely when I need to.There is makeup, hair, clothes, accessories and the list goes on. How much does it all cost? Where do you get the money and time from?

This old hen is mostly indoors and in her panties only. Yes people I live in an apartment where it is hard to get a glimpse of me. I can walk around naked and no one knows. That being said I dont know how the postperson looks like.This hen is also lucky that she is not on the market thus she dont need to 'spring chicken' herself up.

The old hen in me

I am no spring chicken. I was born an old soul and continue to grow older inside of me. For that I am exhausted. No one ever said life was easy nor that I will have made it by a certain age.

There are very few people who has loved and appreciated me for who I am and for that they get my love and loyalty.

I am soon turning 40. I am now going to try to figure out how to not get sick when  I am stressed and boy have I been stressed through the years. I am nursing a cold as I am writing this. I am good friends with infections, colds and migraines. I am not sure if I will ever find out the solution but I am sure going to try finding it. In the meantime I will not let my feverish mind go totally out of hand. The things that floats in the head at 3 am when you are so sick and want to sleep but you cant. I am sure we have all been there once. I hope anyway.

So what are my plans? I dont have any so if any of you humans out there who is not reading this have a good plan for me do give a shout out. By the way I am sure jesus cant help me as I see him as a prophet and not a god.

Actually looking back I surprised I am still alive and have most of mental health with me. At age 12 I have already started to say I am not sane and surviving is what I try to do. I have learnt the hard way those who say they love you are the ones who hurt you most and finding your soulmate is something that everyone should experience in their lifetime.

Now I have to walk this life of mine as an adult. I have no plans nor do I have any idea what is installed for me. Either way it will be full of surprises.