Drowning

We humans makes mistakes and I have made my share of stupid. I accept responsibility of mine and I have no one to blame but me. The years of trying to keep my head over water does takes its toll on me. I am not even 40 but I feel at least 10 years older than that. You know you struggled so much you just want to give up but you cant.

So what can you do? You have to try to carry on and not drown in the process. Some days it is easy while others you may need some mouth to mouth. I try to be open as to who I am and you get what you see. It is easy to not see me as I prefer to stay home. The introvert me just does not have the energy to go seek people who wants to be friends. Living down south means no one does. So I am all alone. Does it hurt me? Not anymore as I accept that I can be too needy and I do not have the same interest as others.

I am still on medication and had thought that I can wean it off. Maybe its best that I dont as I dont want to go downhill. I try not to think or worry too much about the future as if I didit will really overwhelm me. Do I go try to find help as I did before or do I try to work on me, dig deep and see the good in me that my husband points out ever so often. Why do I see myself as not good enpugh not kind enough? When will that ever come?

All I can do is pray and pray. I can only have faith in god and know that it will be ok as I have survived this long so far.